Why you should have premarital sex.

In most official Sex Ed programs' discourse -- at least among those that don't just outright demonize sex and support abstinence-only philosophy -- premarital/recreational/non-marital sex is, at best, an equally viable alternative to marital sex, but is more commonly something that happens: an unfortunate phenomenon that has to be dealt with. Kids/people learn about what to do if they have to have sex, if they must have it at all. The vocabulary of sexual education is all about prevention, about saying "no," about reasons against. Lots of analysis has been written about the effectiveness of today's Sex Ed programs (or lack thereof {abstinence-only education leads to BAD THINGS}), and the failure of those programs to transmit word one about saying "yes!" with a lot more patience and intelligence than I could devote here. Anyway, what I want to talk about is the basic fallacy of the premarital/marital sex debate, and why logic falls pretty damn favorably on the side that US schools seem to want to push under the rug.

So here's the basic Sex Ed argument: You can have (risky, scary) premarital sex, or you can (should!) wait until (safe, acceptable, moral) marriage to do the deed. There are a bunch of things wrong with this way of thinking. For one, the whole idea of "premarital" is really heteronormative, cissexist, and conservative in lots of (bad) ways. For two, the opposing choices are so characterized --- risky/scary and safe/acceptable/moral, respectively -- because we make it so. There is nothing written in the stars that says premarital sex has to be dangerous or wrong, or that marital sex is automatically safe or right. It doesn't take a big cognitive leap to see how both constructions are way more harmful than beneficial.

If we really taught kids/people about sex, that sex would be way less risky; the sex info most of the nation has access to is confusing, scary, condescending, and actually incredibly sex-negative. And what if we taught kids/people that it's --GASP-- okay to have sex? Like at any point they want to? Like maybe BEFORE MARRIAGE? I bet good money we would end up with a lot more healthy, happy, well-adjested, satisfied people in the world.

Let's face it: there's no real good reason not to have sex if you think you're ready (see: "An Epilogue About Readiness," below). Need proof? Okay...

NOTE: Keep in mind that the sex I am talking about here is consensual. There is no good reason to have non-consensual sex. Ever.          
NOTE 2: Asexuals are pretty much -- but not totally, I think! -- excluded in this discussion, which isn't to say that I am not aware of or don't generally consider asexuality in my thoughts on socio-cultrual sexuality... it just doesn't quite fit into this particular discussion, since I'm talking more about the when of sex rather than the if.

REASONS  FOR  WAITING  UNTIL  YOU'RE  MARRIED  
TO  HAVE  SEX 

• Religious: Lemme just say that I do not discount religious reasons as unimportant or wrong, no matter how much I personally -- and vehemently -- disagree with them. If to you sex before marriage is a nonrefundable ticket to Hades, there's not much I or anyone else can (or should) say to dissuade you. 
• Health: The dangers of STI transmission are real. And these dangers are severely curtailed if both people getting married have been abstinent. 
• Your sexual practices will be socially condoned. 

Conclusions: 

That's really about it; those are the only air-tight arguments I can think of. 

Okay, those reasons aren't bad...if viewed within their own context. To be clear: marriage can be truly great, health is good, and social acceptance can certainly be comforting. However, I truly believe (and can pretty well support that) they all help contribute to a culture of general sex-negativity, feed into old and arguably outdated and/or harmful traditions, and have caused a lot of heart- and head-ache in their time. 

VS.

REASONS TO HAVE SEX WHENEVER YOU ARE READY, WILLING, ENTHUSIASTIC, AND ABLE TO DO SO, WHICH MAY (VERY LIKELY) BE BEFORE MARRIAGE

• Health: There are LOTS of health-centric reasons to have sex. Why deny yourself valuable years of these benefits? 
• You may not want to ever get married. Or can't (booooo). 
• For guys: Figures vary, but it seems that the peak of male sexuality (libido, ability {which is not to say skill}) occurs around age 18. Anyone else feel like they wasted precious sexy time? 
• For gals: You'll be part of a rising tide of feminists reclaiming their right to pleasure and sexual confidence.
• For everybody who doesn't fit nicely into the guy/gal dichotomy: You are a soldier on the socio-sexual front lines. Your sex is righteous. 
• Waiting until marriage can be dangerous in its own way: Some people rush into marriage because they want to have sex, but have committed to until-marriage abstinence. This seems silly, but it's true and observable. These people may not be ready for marriage, no matter what their libidos are telling them. (See some recent episodes of Bridezillas for proof.) Beware, for this way lies monstrous emotional strife. 
• It's totally natural. Y'know what puberty is? The onset of sexual maturity. We are sexual animals, and are from a pretty young age. 
• Most of us now have the technology, medicine, and means to make sex safe, contraceptive, and about as pleasurable as it can be. For the first time in history, we have the ability (read: birth control devices and medications, access to information, etc. {which, sadly, not everyone takes advantage of}) to engage in sex without having to completely freak out about the probability of unfortunate consequences. 
• Sex leads to intimacy and connectivity. There is lots of research to support this. It seems way more likely to me that the intimacy created by good, healthy, frequent, and considerate sex leads to more happy relationships than whatever satisfaction can be derived from conforming to centuries-old social rules. Also... 
• Sex = Love?: This one is not a certainty by any means, but is a very important possibility. Can we all just agree for a moment that love (among lots of other things) is a combination of neurochemistry and neural activity? (It totally is.)  Finding -- and fucking -- the right sexual partner has been shown to alter brain chemistry and activity, in ways that can be nigh indistinguishable from love. 
• Religious: Tantric sex anyone? Feelings of connectivity to the cosmos? The intense feeling of oneness with another human being? 
• You're contributing (hopefully) to a culture of growing sex-positivity and sociological acceptance, and helping to shrug off the lingering shackles of Puritanism that still so screw with our culture. 
• It's really fun. Like seriously. 
• It feels really really really good.
• There are more. I just think this list is long enough to prove my point. 

Conclusions: 

Sex is amazing. If you're ready, and want to, have it. We're made to do it. The good outweighs the bad. When you actually look at the research, not to mention really start thinking about some of the tactics and pitfalls of sexual education and conversation, it becomes pretty clear that wait-until-marriage philosophy is unrealistic, unfeasible, and really no fun at all. 

My Humble Suggestions:

• We stop shaming people who love to have sex, no matter their gender, sex, age, race, orientation, etc.  
• Stop treating sex like something dirty (at least dirty in a bad way), so we can talk -- AND EDUCATE -- about it freely. Stop sniggering and shushing and censoring.  
• Make educational programs (and even various "The Talk"s) less about a social/political agenda, and more about accurate information, awareness, reflections of reality, and acceptance. 
• We all work towards a more sex-positive society and culture: no more kicking kids out of the house because of sexual activity; no more stupid laws that punish 18 year-olds from having sex with 17-year olds; no more sex worker hate and pornography witch hunts;  no more hypocrisy in the media (see Janet Jackson's nipple, the amount of violence in a PG-13 movie versus the amount of sex) in the name of protecting our youth; no more double standards between men and women; no more pretending alternate sexualities don't exist; no more stubborn tunnel vision based on archaic morays and cherry-picked rules; no more absolute taboos; no more silence. 
• We all, if we want to, have lots and lots more sex. 

Just my two cents. 

-SC

An Epilogue About Readiness

"Readiness," much like "sex," "pleasure," "satisfying,""intimacy," and "love," means something very different to each and every one of us. For me, readiness means knowledge, responsibility, enthusiasm, and respect, among other things. I hope that those words and ideas enter into many others' definitions. Humans aren't perfect, and not everyone's intentions are good. And I think even more people have good intentions, but don't have the info (SEE EVERYTHING ABOVE FOR GODSSAKE) needed to treat their partners with respect and consideration. But I do know that the vast majority of humans on this earth have enough self-awareness to know exactly when and how they are ready for whatever sex they want to and can have. I think we need to trust ourselves, and each other.