Dharma Sam -- or, Buddhism: Week One

Okay, so the title of this post is a totally inaccurate, however cool it sounds. It's been more than a week, in more ways than one. LEMME COUNT THE WAYS!

1. Way one: I have been a practicing Zen Buddhist for something like 10 days now.
2. Way two: Before that, I was devouring as much preliminary material as possible--Buddhist texts and essays, meditation instruction, and philosophical deconstructions--a time filled with many, many little moments of "Oh yeah... I pretty much think that way anyhow."  
3. Way three: I was a "practicing" Buddhist for a few years in High School.* 

But what is true is this: the last about-a-week has been the first time I believe I have truly made an Effort to live a Buddhist life. I did this with the full knowledge that I was/am a beginner (always[?!]), and with various levels of caution and caution-to-the-wind throwing. Anyhow, writing this braggy little retrospective is pretty un-Zen of me (not be living in the present and all, and being all self-centered and yadda yadda), but what the hell...


DAY ONE - 9/24

• I sit zazen for the first time. Twenty minutes flies by with the difficulty of focusing on my breath and letting my thoughts come and go. 
• I read lots of Buddhist materials in books and online. 
• I change my Religious Beliefs on Facebook to "Buddhist." This is obviously the most important step in my new philosophical journey, no matter how inaccurate I find it to be (duh, man, Buddhism isn't, like, a religion. It's a philosophy, man.). 
• While outside with Fran as she took a smoke break (we were practicing for a joint show), I did not kill any of the mosquitoes that were biting me, choosing instead to blow them off my skin. 

DAY TWO - 9/25

• I sit zazen with Jenna in the morning.
• I try to practice compassion while at a Wilco concert surrounded by hipsters and off-key sing-alongers.
• Jenna and I have a stupid fight before the concert, and I do my best to acknowledge my anger for what it is, which turns out to be a lot more self-generated than not, and let it go. 

DAY THREE - 9/26

• I think I skipped zazen this day. Boooooo. 

DAY FOUR - 9/27

• Sometime during this day I believe I attain an understanding via experience that it's okay to be uncalm and angry and sad and whatever AND be a good Buddhist. I think pretty hard about the Wisdom section of the Noble Eightfold Path (right intention, right view). 
• Late-night zazen. 

DAY FIVE - 9/28

• Hanging out with a friend, I bought some more Zen books and a magazine, and do a little reflecting on desire, attachment, and consumerism as it related to Buddhist media and materials. 
• Zazen.

DAY SIX - 9/29

• Refrained from killing more mosquitoes. 
• Might have skipped zazen this day. If so, booooo. If not, then yay! it's becoming routine enough not to remember. 

DAY SEVEN - 9/30

• I play the aforementioned joint show. I sing a lot of sad songs and make a bunch of people happy (I think.) 
• Mind-over-matter totally fails me as I am wracked by the worst headache I've had in a long, long time. 
• Zazen. Yeah, yeah. It hurts this time though. 

DAY EIGHT - 10/1

• I order a zafu and zabuton set online, hopefully to help my zazen posture and comfort level. More thoughts on Buddhism and consumerism. 
• Looking for a sangha (one of the Three Jewels, after all!) I go to check out the American Zen College in Germantown. Although I am received relatively warmly (on a cold gray day), I feel that this is not the place for me. Something about too much veneration for the master, a nagging feeling that not all voices were equally welcome. But still, an interesting and enjoyable experience. My first in-depth encounter with a real, live Zen master. 
• I drive around in the rain after leaving the AZC and getting some sencha at Lotte, and really enjoy myself. In the present. Whoa. 
• A tough zazen. Hurts my legs a lot. Owwy. 

DAY NINE - 10/2

• I go the Maryland Renaissance Festival, and once again make a conscious effort to be present in the present. I realize early on that it is a very strange and wondrous place to be Buddhist, what with all the leather, alcohol, intoxication, joy, bad behavior, great behavior, lots of smiles, indulgence, humor, glorification of violence, acceptance, and exclusion. 
• I have my first alcoholic beverage (a "Bee Sting:" 3/4 hard cider, 1/4 meade) as a Buddhist. This may sound like a no-biggie, but there is some disagreement within the community as to what exactly constitutes "refraining from intoxications," which is one of the precepts of the whole "right action" Truth. Zen emphasizes personal morality and self-investigation/-exploration/-decision; I don't have to spend too much time thinking about it before I decide that because whatever little level of intoxication I may have experienced did not affect my body or mind enough for me to worry about violating my vow of Right Action. 
• Short zazen: another hard one, marked by distractions and almost falling asleep.  

DAY TEN -10/3

• I complete my first Buddhism-inspired song. This inspires complex emotions. 
• Another short zazen. It actually feels too short. I think that's a good sign. 

CONCLUSIONS
As if! Conclusions are an illusory construction of the mind!




OUR NEXT EPISODE: Buddhism: The Remainder of my Life.
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* You'll note I made a distinction between practicing and "practicing" in my little introduction. Many people who know me are familiar with my interest in Buddhism, both present and past, and may indeed recall a period of time in high school when I identified as a Buddhist, and was involved with a local Tibetan Buddhist temple. Looking back on this time, I try not too judge myself too harshly. But I do realize that my approach to the Dharma was, at that time, superficial, selfish, and, at its worst, just plain wrong. My approach to meditation and practice was misguided, and I never delved into even the most basic Buddhist concepts beyond a very basic understanding of the words themselves. I latched onto Tibetan Buddhism, possibly the most dogmatic and religion-y of the various Buddhist sects, for the very things that prevented me from  sticking with it: the weird iconography, the whacky supernatural aspects, the ritual, the formality. I realize now that I am just simply not a religious person; I cannot have much faith in what I cannot experience for myself. Why Zen makes so much sense to me now is because is it almost the polar opposite approach to the one I took before. (Bad buddhist! Talking about dualities! For shame!) While Tibetan Buddhism is all about transcendence in the trappings, Zen is very stripped-down and back-to-basics, placing great value on personal experience and teaching that is is most important to be Buddhist first and Zen second. It's something I think I can really get behind, in a long-term and realistic way.