Things have been up and down. I think and hope that the trend has been generally upwards, and that feels really good. But the down moments have been particularly horrible the last month or so.
That sucking, breathless feeling that comes from between my lungs is back for the first time in more than 2 years. I keep feeling on the verge of anxiety attacks.
I am pretty constantly horny, but sometimes in a weird, sad, desperate way. I get an erection pretty much every day 3 hours after waking up, +/-10min. But then I can get seriously and irreparably turned off pretty much instantly if my later hopes/plans for sex get dashed, put off, or messed with. What the fuck?
Am I trying to fill some emptiness in my life by buying things?
It's becoming increasingly clear that romanticism is one of my big double-sided gift/curse identity features.
Valentine's Day was good, all things considered. I hope it breaks the run of shitty holidays I've had since Halloween (see above comment re: romanticism).
I'm excited for the future, but I dread and already hate some of the features of it.
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