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1. "Men are a different species. Really, babe!"
Ladies: at best, you have to coddle your big infant-gorillas as they bumble around this world in a hairy haze of obliviousness and testosterone. At worst, you're just going to have to accept the emotions-challenged lunk of your choosing. If you're really crafty, however, you can change him! Because that's totally possible, not to mention ethical! But there are some things you can never change: he will watch football all the time, he will have embarrassing personal grooming/fashion/eating/sexual/etc habits, he will be insensitive to your needs, he will want to have (totally gross) sex every single time you just want to cuddle, and every moment he's not trying to interrupt Cuddle Time, he'll be off masturbating somewhere. Wait a second... did I say you could change him at all? Oops, my bad.
2. "Women are a different species. Really, hubs!"
Guys: you need to adapt your behavior to better suit these insanely emotional, communication-obsessed, period-havin', commitment-grasping, girlfriend-lovin', sex-hatin', pinkophilic princesses. However, you will never succeed; there is, in fact, no way to adapt to the alien ways of the Inscrutable Female. So mysterious are they, in fact, that they have whole magazines of their own! And I hear they talk to each other... no doubt in their own secret lady language! The sad truth is, they are from Venus, and you are from the cold void of interplanetary space, spinning into an airless and confused death somewhere between the Let's-Cuddle and Want-To-See-Sex-And-The-City-With-Me? systems. Just smile and nod, guys. Smile and nod. And prepare for cuddling; it's apparently all the womenfolk like to do. (Has this been stressed enough?)
3. Heterosexual is the only sexual.
"LADIES, say this to your GUY if you want some alone time away from his loud simian friends..." "FELLAS, do you want to know how to please YOUR WOMAN like in the movies?..." "Hey GIRLS, want YOUR MAN to look a little better than a heap of Pizza Hut garbage?..." "DUDES, your CHICK will totally dig you if you buy these 67 simple items that every male needs..."
4. There are huge undocumented populations of "nice guys" roaming around out there, presumably finishing last.
These guys are so nice, in fact, that they have inspired legions of lists that spread like tear-jerking viruses, which detail who's gonna be there when you need a shoulder to cry on, who's gonna take you home after you get too drunk, who's gonna support you as you choose bad mates again and again and again (over him), who's gonna go home and not masturbate (cf. Item 1) like most smelly guys but instead pray for your happiness, who's gonna never make a move because he's too invested in his own Nice Guy image--oops, I mean "your complete life happiness"--than in not being alone for the rest of his life.
5. Any guy that isn't a Nice Guy is an Un-nice Guy.
So he asks you on a date instead of pining away for years until he dies of silent heartbreak at your wedding to a far inferior male specimen? He's basically Hitler. So he thinks you're treating him badly, that you're not meeting his emotional needs? I see human remains found in the woods behind his house in his future. He finishes first? (And not in that way [which is really the only option on the table, by the way]; get your mind out of the gutter! Being interested in men, you must be a straight woman, and therefor uninterested in the sexy side of things anyway!) Psychopath! Run for your life, girl!
6. Real______ (don't) have ______.
All the other ones are fake. It's true. How dare you be skinny, you faux-woman, didn't you know curves are mandatory for membership?! And you! with the long hair and the funny-looking musical taste and the functional emotional language! You call yourself a man?!
7. Your S.O. is lying to you.
Don't worry; they're probably little white lies, designed to keep your feelings or lack thereof (depending on whether you're a BOY OR A GIRL) from being hurt. Sometimes it's just easier to not talk to you, to not tell you the truth. And really, it's the ethical thing to do. And what they don't know can't hurt 'em, right? Am I right? Eh? Ehhhhh?
8. The internet knowz best about your sex-/love-/gender-life.
How could we not? There's so many of us, and we are so wise. I CAN HAZ CULTURAL SOCIOLOGICAL ROMANTIC WIZDOM LOLZ. WE IZ LEGIONZ!
9. Your sex life sucks.
Your coital habits are, on the Boring Scale, this side (you guess which side, you self-deceiving maggot!) of the drying rate of the paint your SO yawningly watches set while you ejaculate prematurely or take selfishly too long and then insist on cuddling (depending if you're a BOY or a GIRL). Your sex is nowhere near as interesting, fun, long, intense, toy-dependent, or Penthouse-Forum-worthy as literally everyone else's. Fellas, if you want to stop your woman's spiteful gossip about your pitifully tiny penis and the cute way your tongue lolls around your silly O-face, you better read up on These 10 Tips For Brain-Scrambling Sex (or whatever). Ladies, here's 28 Fun And Easy Ways To Get Your Brutish Man To Stop Acting Like A Total Selfish Pig And Pay Attention To Your Pleasure For Once In His Goddamn Life I Mean Jesus. Also, if your sex life doesn't involve ice cubes, dirty talk, fur gloves, whips, chocolate-covered strawberries, (etc.,) or a James Horner score, you're going straight to the special chamber in hell reserved for those who don't take popular culture's dictums seriously! Just remember: talking to your sexual partner about what they want and like sexually is a big no-no, and totally awkward and gross and stupid and lolz. Better stick with the tips lists.
10. There is no alternative to this supposedly dominant culture of gender binaries and rigid sexual roles and sex antagonism and consumerism.
You can't think outside of the boxes. You can't question what you read, what you hear. You can't make up your own mind. You can't think for yourself. Nope, not at all. GOOBLE GOBBLE ONE OF US ONE OF US!
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