I just felt the need for a quick really long update. Life has changed since my last post. I'll start with the GREAT part, in the form of a sappy note:
---
J,
I love you. You love me. We love each other.
Quite suddenly, things are getting a little less Okay everywhere else...
But we love each other.
I have always thought that the Hollywood-style "falling-in-love-with-someone-before-you-even-date-them" thing was pure fiction, an invention of a culture that needs desperately to live fantasy vicariously, needs to believe in fairy tales to ignore real life. Then it happened to me. I was falling for you long before our first kiss. That kiss cemented it. I know now I loved you then. I just couldn't say it.
I'm so glad I can say(/know) it now, and that you (know it and) say it to me. This is real life. It feels like the realest part sometimes. I don't feel foolish or delusional or stupid. I love you.
I am in the process of jumping some difficult hurdles and can see more on the horizon, but I know that you're there for me. Will be there for me. I hope you know you can count on me to be there for you. I am already here.
Je t'aime.
Te amo.
Ég elska þig (with the strength of a volcano).
I love you.
-S
------AND NOW FOR THE STUPID BAD PART-----------(...)
UGH: Some more shit to deal with. I hate being internetvague, but I don't really want to go into any specifics right now.
Some people are very good at confusing and upsetting me. Time and time again, I find myself embroiled in complicated bullshit drama that has no reason existing, that came about for stupid and/or unknown reasons, and begs for more fighting and heated conversation/negotiation than I want to do and have.
Every time it seems like I can take a breath and just fucking relax and enjoy something, it (or something else) breaks and I have to find a way to fix it. I don't understand you. Maybe that's the point.
In some areas of my life, I haven't seen, smelled, or felt stability in years.
Compound all this with the fact that I've been having a hard time just living recently, and... well, you get the picture.
I know I'll survive. I know I'll probably turn it around. But right now that doesn't seem like enough. I want simplicity, easiness. For once. Call me selfish.
ENOUGH HORRIBLE WHINING I HATE THAT I DO THIS SHIT THIS IS WHY I SHOULDN'T HAVE A BLOG
Sam
PS. This doesn't really negate my last post. I still feel I live in a World Full of Okay. There are just some complications now.
First (always first), I love you.
ReplyDeleteI love that you write to me here, on Facebook, on my silly journal, on my phone. It doesn't matter how much I talk to you in real-time; it is such a thrill to see so much Sam in my life, everywhere I turn =D.
Second, and more succinctly,
It's your effing blog and you should be able to bitch here more than anywhere else. You're not a bad person, you don't sound stupid. I only wish you could really treat it as a journal and be less "internetvague," but that's also what I'm here for. Doesn't matter how much work I have to do, I'll always have time to listen.
Now quit meta-whining =)